Customer: Those books, how much? Bernard: Hmm? Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones. Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collective works of Charles Dickens. Customer: They real leather? Bernard: They're real Dickens. Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them. Bernard: Two hundred what? Customer: Two hundred pounds... Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds? Customer: No... Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next! % Manny: (reading from The Little Book Of Calm) Let let let let... let go once in a while, you're a loose lily floating down an amber river. Ahhh. % Customer: I expect better service! Bernard: Then expect away! Come on, get out all you time-wasting bastards, back on the street. % Nick Voleur the accountant: Well you've got to help me out here, Bernard. What period does "all other times" cover? Bernard: I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonderwoman. Nick: This new system, it's very closely modelled on the old system, isn't it? Bernard: I'd go further than that, Nick. I'd say it was more or less exactly the same. Except... no, it's the same. % Bernard: "If you live in a council flat"... "beside a river"... "but are not blind"... WHAT? WHAT?! "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as Ma! Ma! That'll have to do. Ma... possibly deceased. % Jehovah's Witness 1: Hello, we were wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus. Bernard: (desperate to avoid doing his tax return) Great! Come in! Jehovah's Witness 1: What? Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus! What's he up to now? Come on in, come on! Jehovah's Witness 1: Are... are you sure? Bernard: Yes! In! In! Come in! Jehovah's Witness 2: It's a trick! Jehovah's Witness 1: No... it's just... usually, people don't say yes. Bernard: Well I'm not people! Come on in! Let's talk beliefs! Come in, come in. Grab a pew. Right, let's go. Jehovah's Witness 1: Well, to be honest, we've never actually thought this far ahead. It's nice in here. "Indoors". Bernard: What's your favourite story about our Lord? Jehovah's Witness 2: Moneylenders! Has to be the moneylenders. Chasing them out of the temple... Bernard: It is knock-out stuff, isn't it, yeah? And yourself? Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh it's... it's all good. But I suppose when he, when he rescued, when Jesus rescued the Samaritan. Bernard: No, that's a story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helped somebody else. Jehovah's Witness 1: Really? Bernard: Yeah. Jehovah's Witness 1: Wow. Jehovah's Witness 2: And I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector. Bernard: (looks disgusted at the mention of tax) And do you have any literature or anything I could look at? (Jehovah's Witnesses shake their heads) Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh yes! Those books and magazines we have! Books and magazines! % Manny: Ah. There you are. Time for my results? Doctor: Well it's rather bad news I'm afraid, Mr Bianco. The Little Book Of Calm is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds. Manny: Oh my god. Doctor: No no no that's just the worst-case scenario. The other possibility, and this is far more likely, is that The Little Book Of Calm will move to the right, into the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to ten years, one year, who knows. Manny: Oh my god. Doctor: Because of the massive amount of scarring caused by The Little Book Of Calm however, it is possible that you'll be in a massive amount of pain. Manny: Oh my god. Doctor: (his pager beeps) Sorry about this, I'll have to go. Um we'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive. A 30% chance, I'd say, so try not to worry. As the book itself says (looks at x-ray) umm, "whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island". % Fran: Bernard? Finished with your accounts? Bernard: Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket. % Manny: Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon, you'll soak yourself calm. Doctor: I'm sorry? Manny: If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds. Doctor: Uh maybe I should let you get some rest... Manny: When you rest, you are a king, surveying your estate. Look at the woodland. The peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom. Doctor: Uhh... yes... % (customer hands Bernard a book) Bernard: Oh we've got a special offer on this one. Customer: Really? Bernard: Yes, it's free if you break my legs. Customer: Fair enough. Bernard: Great! I'll just get the hobbling post. Customer: Wait. I've read this one. That's the problem with Wodehouse. Bernard: Yes it's terrible now hurry up and break my legs. Customer: But I've already read it! I'm sorry, I've got to go! % Manny: (to woman giving birth) When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange. % Manny: (to Fran) Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh. % Skinhead: (to Manny) Oi, Hairy! What you looking at? Manny: Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice? Try and speak softly once in a while. (Skinhead punches Manny in the face) Manny: Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it. % Bernard: (to a group of skinheads) Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do of a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing of your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right, this is you, ok? (dances madly like a fairy while singing "tra la la" then stops) Millwall! That's the one. Do you know this chant? "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated"... (all three skinheads punch Bernard in the face at the same time) % Bernard: I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're my witness. Manny: Oh well I could do your accounts. Bernard: What? Manny: Well I'm an accountant. Well, was an accountant. Hah. Ah, it's the least I could do. Bernard: You mean you could do more? Manny: Yeah. Bernard: Can I have a glass of wine? Manny: Ok. Bernard: And a, and a ham sandwich?! Manny: If you like. Bernard: With a pickle?! Manny: Alright. (Bernard does a classic face of absolute joy) % Bernard: Alrighty. What did you order? Manny: Lager. Bernard: I got you... crème de menthe. Ok, here it is - I like you a lot, Gerald... Samantha... Manny: Manny... Bernard: Manny. That's the one. I like you a lot. Manny: Oh thanks very much, you're not so bad yourself (pats Bernard on the arm) Bernard: Don't touch my arm. And uhh... where have you gone? Manny: I'm here. You're looking at me. Bernard: Oh right. Yeah. So... what do you want? Manny: You mentioned something about a job. Bernard: What would I have to do? Manny: No, uh, in the bookshop. Bernard: But I already work in a bookshop! Do you have anything... in an aquarium? Manny: Er, no... for me. Bernard: Oh yeah, right, of course. Sorry sorry sorry sorry. Of course. Right. (to an old woman walking past the table) You leaving, Manny? Manny: No that's the old woman. Bernard: Bernard Black. (Offers his hand) Manny: Manny. (They shake hands) Bernard: So. What do you want? Manny: You mentioned a job. Bernard: What would I have to do? Manny: For me. Bernard: Oh yes yes yes of course. Very simple, very simple. Here we go. Do you want a job? Manny: Great, yes. Bernard: What's great? What? What? % Bernard: What time is it?! Manny: Half-ten. Bernard: Half-ten?! Half-ten?! I've never been up at half-ten! What happens? % Manny: What's all this? Bernard: The rules. For the customers. But they apply to you too. Manny: "No mobiles". "No wig-wams". Bernard: Walkmans! Manny: "No snoit"... "no snoiti"... this is indecipherable! Bernard: Look! It is perfectly simple. "No mobiles". "No walkmans". None of that... or any of the others. % Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself. Manny: Well I was born in London... Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something. Fran: Don't mind him, Manny. Go ahead. Manny: Well like I say, born in London, moved around quite a bit, saw a lot of army bases. Fran: Oh, your father was in the army? Manny: No, just coincidence. Bernard: Sorry could we do this some other time when I'm not here? Manny: Alright. Fair enough. You know, this could be a really lovely place. Bernard: It is a lovely place! Manny: Yeah you'd have to wax the shelves, and get rid of whatever it is that makes you stick to the floor over here. Bernard: You're supposed to stick to the floor over there. I like it like that. Stops children running around. Manny: And seal the floors, stop that rising smell, and you do know you've got molluscs on your pipes? Bernard: What of it? Manny: Well, it's just that traditionally they live in the sea. Put in a few standard lamps... Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay? Manny: What? But I, I'm not. Bernard: But you're interested in lamps. Manny: Yeah but I'm interested in, in women, and lamps. I thought you were actually (points to Bernard). Gay, I mean. Bernard: So did I for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing! % Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?! Manny: Well they want to buy books. Bernard: Yeah but why me?! Why do they come to me?! Manny: Because you sell books. Bernard: Yeah, I know... % Bernard: What?! Customer: I'd like to buy a book. Bernard: Here's one. Customer: No, I was... Bernard: This one's very good! Customer: Oh, oh is it? Bernard: Yes. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life. £5.99. Customer: Alright. Oh, my change? Bernard: Ugh, can you come back later? Customer: Well no, I'm not coming back this way. Bernard: Where do you live? Customer: 17 Galexie Gardens. Bernard: Ok now go there, and await my instructions. % Bernard: Are you insane?! Fran: He's great, Bernard. What's wrong with him? Bernard: He's trouble, is what he is. He's... he's... I can smell it a mile off! He's got all sorts of fancy notions. And... and... do you know what I saw earlier, when you weren't here and you couldn't have seen it? He was umm... he was sucking his trousers, and laughing! Fran: That's a lie, isn't it? Bernard: No! No! (Fran gets up to leave) No don't, I made it up. % Bernard: (to Manny) You there. Lord of the Rings. Let's talk about how this whole one-day trial thing is going. At the moment, you're fired. % Manny: Well the thing here... uhh, takings... £370. Bernard: That's good. Manny: Yeah but your outgoings were over £1200. Bernard: Well... whores will have their trinkets. % Bernard: I'm going out. I have to take some clothes to Oxfam. Manny: Ok. (Bernard appears, wearing all the clothes he's taking to Oxfam) Bernard: I usually lock up. Manny: Ah well, now I'm here, it's different. Bernard: Yes, it's different (locks door) Manny: Ah wait wait, what, what, what are you... Bernard: What? Manny: Well, why are you locking the door? Bernard: I usually lock the door. Manny: Yes but now I'm here, it's different, isn't it? Bernard: Yes it's different - I've never locked anybody in before. % Bernard: Manny! Manny! Manny Manny Manny Manny. Manny: Will you stop shouting at me. Bernard: Sorry. Where's the cork- your hair looks amazing. Where's the corkscrew? Manny: I don't know. I don't know where anything is. Have you been back there recently? It's like Dresden. Bernard: The place isn't that bad. Manny: It is that bad. For one thing, didn't you have a cat? Bernard: Oh yeah! Where'd he go? Manny: I found him. Bernard: Really? Brilliant! Manny: No. No. You... don't want to see him... (clutches his leg) Ooh ow! Ow! Bernard: What's up with you. Manny: It's brought on my cramp. I get a terrible cramp when I'm stressed. Bernard: Well don't be stressed. Why are you stressed? Manny: Because I opened the fridge door, there's shin bandages next to the cheese. Bernard: That's just a little... Manny: There's jam in the bath! Bernard: Oh come on! Manny: You're a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Look, look! (opens a box with pizza in it) Bernard: Pizza! I was going to warm it and eat it later! Everybody does that! It's normal. You are looking for things to complain about. Manny: And what are these? (points inside the pizza box) Bernard: Wasps. % Manny: (phoning Anall Cleaners) Everything's covered in filth! Look! (points phone receiver around the room) The whole place is a complete mess. Can't find anything. Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe! % Bernard: You are wearing a dress. Fran: What do you think? Bernard: Occasion? Fran: I've got a date. Ben. Divorcee. Very good looking. Nice arse. Which is a first for me. Bernard: Never had a nice one? Fran: No, and I know that because I've seen them on the telly. You? Had one? Bernard: There was one woman, Janine. And I don't know if it was nice, but it was... huge. But there was this tremendous sense of value. % Fran: (discussing her ex-boyfriends) Or Raymond. Do you remember Raymond? Bernard: What was his thing? Didn't he live with his mother? Fran: Yeah. In a car. % Bernard: I'm asking you a question! Why did you get this freak into my house? Manny: I had to! You made me! Bernard: I don't trust him! He has no nasal hair! % The Cleaner: This is going to take some time. Everything's very... dirty. You have grime under the taps, that's very nasty. The state of the bathroom is... shameful. And the dust. Oh the dust. Bernard: The place isn't that dusty! (The Cleaner moves his finger through the air briefly, and it quickly becomes coated in dust) The Cleaner: The worst thing is the cups. Yes. You have very, very dusty... cups. I want to clean your dusty cups from the inside out... Bernard: Ok! I'm just going to go sit over here, ok? Anything else about cleaning, you can ask Manny. % Manny: Ah, I see you are an afficionado of paintings. Freddie: Oh yes, yeah. Manny: (looking at the painting) It's a cow. Freddie: Hmm. You like art? Manny: Oh yes, yes, especially... late... art. Yes, the way he's captured the look, the cow's looking over there, we can't see what the cow's seeing, yeah maybe the artist's saying cows know something we... we don't. Freddie: Hmm, it's French apparently. From the Dutch school. Manny: It's... brown. % Fran: What's wrong with your wine? Ben: Nothing. I just drink slowly. Fran: I get undressed slowly. % Bernard: Old wine is good wine. Manny: Yes. But expensive wine is good wine also. Bernard: Yes. But the older the wine is, the gooder it is. Manny: Ah but by the same token, the more expensive the wine, then the gooder it is also. Bernard: (looking at the wine) Look at the colours. Manny: Yeah. Bernard: All the colours. Well... yellow. Manny: This is like... a... a farmyard... of wine. Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck. Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak. % Ben: Music's a bit boring, isn't it? I wonder if they'd let me put my tape on. Got all my favourite songs on here. Fran: I'm a giant ear... waiting for your songs of... niceness. % Manny: (holding shiatsu massage machine to his chest) Bernard! Look! I'm a prostitute robot from the future! % Bernard: (trying to think of a way to make up for accidentally drinking Freddie's £7000 bottle of wine) What about... a gift! Manny: That's a much better idea. But it'd have to be perfect! Bernard: Yeah... Manny: What about... a really nice box of pencils? Bernard: No... Manny: I mean... a REALLY nice box. Bernard: No! I think if you're, you know, going to give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life! Those kind of things. Manny: Yeah... Bernard: We'll make some more! Manny: What? Bernard: We'll use some of the cheap stuff, nobody will ever know the difference. Manny: But this cost £7000! He's going to present this to the pope! Bernard: He won't know the difference. Manny: He's the pope! He's used to the finer things! Bernard: It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine actually doesn't have a taste! Manny: You can't taste anything. You smoke eight bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that? Bernard: What? Manny: What are you eating? Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit! Manny: It's a coaster. Bernard: Is it? Are there any more? % Bernard: You know Gerald and Sarah? Fran: Gerald... uh... your friend... Bernard: Friend?! When I first came to London, he, he put me up, he lent me money, he helped me find a job, he helped me find this place. I was, I was an incredibly good friend to him. And, even though, even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her. Well, once. Twice. A few times. But not after I realised just how angry it made him. Well, once, but only because... Fran: Get on with the story. % Bernard: I went to the chemist to get some Fizzy-Good. Fran: Some what? Bernard: You know, some Fizzy-Good, Fizzy-Good-Make-Feel-Nice. Fran: Oh, Alka-Seltzer. % Fran: Manny, you look like you could use some sleep. Manny: (high on espresso and police novels) Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a little bit, in a little bit. Look, thing is, right, this bloke behind me, behind me, behind me, behind me, DON'T LOOK! I reckon he's got a shooter! Bernard: He's a hundred years old! You're just wired from all that coffee and cops. % Fran: And so what? So they blanked you. Bernard: So what?! So what?! They blanked me! That's like an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society! It's like, it's like, it's like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post. % Bernard: Gerald's a food writer. He had a big hit with that thing, you know, "Basic Meals For The Ultra Rich". And Sarah's an interior designer. She's on the program, you know... "Pet Surprise". Manny: "Pet Surprise"? What's that? Bernard: Oh you know the thing, they take the dog out for a walk, it thinks it's a normal walk, but when they come back, the kennel has a patio and french doors. Manny: Yeah, yeah, and they take the blindfold off... Bernard: Yeah and he's like "Oh my god", you know. And there were a few other people there. You know, the sort of people who can talk about salad for five hours. % Gerald: Oh Bernard, look at you. Bernard: I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp! % (a little boy in pyjamas walks into the room) Gerald: (to Bernard) Oh you remember Jimbo, don't you? Bernard: I'm not sure... (to Jimbo) What do you do? Gerald: No, he's our son. Bernard: Oh thank god. I thought you had a disease! It's a child! % Bernard: Ah Jim. Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim. Come here. We'll do the thing. Here. Here. There we go... (gives Jimbo some money) Take it. Take it. Now. Actually Jim, could I have that back? (takes money back off Jim) Shh! So Jim, have I ever told you about the old country? The songs! Oh Jim, they'd melt your face. "Ohh I live in a shoe on Moore Street, I'm a prostitute from Newry". % Fran: Can you do my shoelace? Bernard: No can do, Neck-Face. % Fran: (seeing Bernard's arm in a cast) What happened to you? Bernard: (seeing Fran's neck in a brace) What happened to you? Fran: No, you first. Bernard: No, come on, are you the next Bond villain? Fran: You look like you should have "Dorset 5 miles" written on you. % Inspector Norris: Hey what's, uh, with the face-fuzz? Manny: Uhh, undercover, undercover work. Uhh got to blend in with a heavy metal group... who stole some... furniture. Bastards. % Bernard: He won't be seeing you again? Fran: He says he wants to see other, less mad women. % Inspector Norris: (to criminal interviewee) Nogsy! You miss me? Nogsy: Yeah, I was just sitting here thinking "When's Inspector Norris coming back?" Inspector Norris: Oi! Smart lip doesn't work with me, Nogsy! I don't react well to it. Now, you better start giving me something solid or I'll feed you to the sharks. Manny: (to Nogsy) You have... beautiful eyes. Inspector Norris: You're going away, Nogsy! You understand me? This is the end of the line! Manny: Do you think it would be really naughty if I phoned up the Hong Kong Kitchen and got us all some crispy duck? Inspector Norris: Listen! You better speak up, or else we'll be talking to your missus! Ohohoho, how do you like that, family man? Manny: Hey! When all this has blown over, let's go and see Les Miserables. Have you been to the zoo? It's brilliant! % Inspector Norris: Offer him a deal. Manny: What sort of deal? Inspector Norris: I don't know, you call it. Uh, but don't give away too much. He's looking at two years, minimum. I'll be back in ten. Manny: (looks horrified) Huh?! Inspector Norris: Ten minutes... Manny: (looks relieved) Ohh. % Manny: Well you know, Barry, I'm just... I'm just one copper, trying to make a difference. (falls off his chair, stands up quickly, falls over the chair, stands up again) Fell off my chair to some extent... you know, Barry, I've been doing this job for tweny minutes- YEARS! Twenty years. Since I was... fifteen. And uhh you know, it doesn't get any easier. That's why I've made my decision to retire. That's right, Barry, I'm retiring. Nogsy was my last case. I've had a hundred per cent success rate. I'm only getting older and slower. It's time for this old warhorse to be put out to pasture. % Bernard: Gerald! Can I ask you a question? Gerald: What? Bernard: You know the thing, uh, the thing that cleans these things, the thing-cleaner! Why is that in your bathroom? I'm not Coco Chanel or anything but I think that's a bit weird. Gerald: Umm Bernard why don't I umm call you a cab? Bernard: I don't want a cab! It's only half-one. Anyway, listen, listen, why do you have a toaster in your bathroom? Gerald: We haven't got a toaster in our bathroom. Bernard: Well you should put a lock on the door anyway because I was in there, I was on the toilet and everything, and little Jimmy comes in, he's drinking milk from the fridge and that's all wrong... it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking, what was going through your brain when you thought "Oh yeah, I'll buy a wicker toilet"? (Sarah shrieks in horror from another room) % Bernard: So I go to the toilet in your wicker chair, it's a faux pas. % Gerald: Look at Jimmy. (Jimmy has an unchaging wide-eyed look of horror fixed on his face) Bernard: What? What? What? He looks surprised. All children look surprised. Everything's new to them! % Bernard: I mean, I come to your house, I bring a bottle of wine... Sarah: You brought a policewoman! Bernard: Policewoman, bottle of wine, point is I made an effort. % Bernard: (having explained how he broke his arm by falling down some steps) Hence... Fran: So why were you embarrassed to tell me? Bernard: Oh, well, I fell. You know, it was so... undashing. Fran: And of course, going to the toilet through a wicker chair, well, we've all been there. % Security Man: You reckon they got in through the back? Manny: Yeah, so we reckon it was drug addicts. Security Man: Right. Manny: Yeah they took all the drugs. Yeah we had a whole packet of Beechams, bottle of Night Nurses, all gone. Security Man: Doesn't surprise me. From where I'm standing, there are... 145 points of entry into the shop. % Security Man: I'm normally asked to install this system in zoos. The glass is soundproof. Manny: Why do you need soundproofing in zoos? Security Man: Well otherwise, the kids start calling the lions pricks. Manny: Oh right. Security Man: It's a very good system. You know the CIA? Manny: Yeah. Security Man: They don't use this system. Uhh, they probably use something a lot better. Manny: Oh right, right. Wow. Yeah because uhh, I read something about the CIA, apparently they've got this stationery, right? Looks perfectly normal, but uh when you write on it, it uh dissolves. Security Man: No, it's bollocks. % Bernard: (to Manny) You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. % Bernard: So, what did you tell them? They got in through the back? Manny: Yeah Bernard: Yeah it wouldn't do to let them know that we went out and you left the front door open, would it? Manny: Yeah well what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed? Bernard: It's this sort of world, Gandalf! % Bernard: (answering the phone) Hello? Yes oh well no, I am going to pay that bill. I am. Yes I know. Yeah- No, I- Ye- Excuse me, could you- Hang on, sorry. Yes. (cuts phone cord with scissors) Oh you agree with me with everything I'm saying? That's terrific. Thanks. Bye! % Bernard: (to the customer who thinks Bernard is selling good books too cheaply) But I don't want them. I mean, you know, I have to price them, and then put them up on the shelves and store them and people will come in and ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them, you know, and the whole hideous cycle will just go on and on and on and on, you know? % Fran: Oh my god! Bernard: What? Fran: It's Hal. Hal Granger. I was at college with him. Bernard: Well go and say hello. Fran: Oh no, no don't, no don't. He... confuses me. Bernard: What? Fran: He confuses me. He's... he's a total arsehole... but he's got this voice, and it just... does things to me. Hal: Fuurrrraaannnn? % Hal: (to Fran) Hey. You look frantastic. % Bernard: (to Manny) Hey, Genghis. % Bernard: We're trying something new. Absinthe. You know that one? That slogan, "the drink that makes you want to kill yourself"? % Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard? Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow. % Manny: That was the last movie you've ever seen? Planet Of The Apes? Bernard: Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings. Manny: And you've not been to the cinema since then? Bernard: No. It's all tossycock. % Manny: Yeah well it's better than staying in and getting mashed every night, with no company except the dead bees on the windowsill. Bernard: I like the dead bees on the windowsill! At least they don't go out and leave the front door open and get us robbed! Don't get judgy with me, Ming the Merciless. % Bernard: (trying to figure out how to work the security door) Ok for the moment, just tell me the code. Manny: There was a little man. Bernard: There was a little man? That's the code? Manny: No no, I didn't actually hear the code because... he had a little man in his hair. Bernard: Well the little man in my hair is getting very, very angry. What are you talking about? Manny: He had a Subbuteo player in his hair! I got distracted! Bernard: So essentially, what we have here is a security system that doesn't let anybody in or out of the building... Manny: Yes! Bernard: Yes! Including us! Manny: Yes! We'll get used to it. Bernard: Oh right, ok. How will we get used to it?! % Bernard: Excuse me. There seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought, I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money. Movie cashier boy: That's how much it costs. Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high? % Bernard: (talking to a homeless person on the street) Excuse me, this might sound a bit funny, but could I please have 10p? % (Bernard walks into a pornography store to stand next to the heater after being locked out of his own shop) Store owner: Nasty night out there? Bernard: Yeah, yeah. Freezing. Yeah. Wouldn't want to be stuck out there. Oh, a lot of, I think a lot of low air pressure, you know, came down from Abernethy or somewhere like that, and it's just... Store owner: Is that right? Now, what can I interest you in? Bernard: Oh. Yeah. Right. Ok. I'd like some hardcore pornography, please. Store owner: Here you are. Set in a women's prison. 25 quid. Bernard: Did you, did you have anything in a town hall? You know, where women guess the weight of the cake and then... Store owner: No... got one with nurses. Bernard: What kind of nurses though, you know... Store owner: The kind with big tits. Bernard: What do they do though? Are they in administration? That's the kind of thing I'd want, really. You know, a lot of hospital paperwork. And that... Store owner: That's very specific. Bernard: Yeah well, you know, just keep looking and we'll find something. Can you turn the radiator up? Store owner: (holds up video with "Administrative Nurses" printed on the front) Administrative Nurses. 40 quid. Bernard: (desperate to waste time and not get kicked back outside into the cold) Sorry, I meant to say senior administrative nurses. That's the only thing I'm actually interested in... (Store owner lifts his fingers from the front of the video to reveal that the video is actually called "Senior Administrative Nurses") Bernard: Could we watch it together? You know, maybe we could get a bottle of wine or something, and... Store owner: (points to door) Out! % Manny: (to radio) Come in. Come in. This is lonely soldier. My co-ordinates are... bookshop. % Bernard: Does the... umm... Mamba Burger... come with zesty cheese? Cashier boy: No. Bernard: Ok, uhh, then could I have some... Hunky Dunkers. With barbecue Hunky Dunky dip. And a... Mucky Chocolate Milkshake. Cashier boy: What size? Small, medium, goliath or god? (Bernard gestures that he doesn't care) Cashier Boy: (into microphone) One Hunky Dunkers, barbecue Hunky Dunky dip and a medium Mucky. (to Bernard) That'll be £4.99. Bernard: Uhh um, the thing... I'm a little light, at the moment. Uh actually, this... (takes his belt off) this belt... is made from real leather. Cashier Boy: (shakes his head) If you're not eating anything, you'll have to leave the premises. % Hal: (answering phone) Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Is this you, Mummy? I can hear you breathing, whoever you are. You're beginning to test my patience. I know there's someone there. Right, that's it, I'm hanging up. Fran: (rapidly) Don't hang up, Hal! Hal: Fuurrraannnnn? Is this you Fran? Are you alright? Are you in any pain? Do you want me to come over? (Fran starts making obscene and excited noises) I'll come over, Fran. Do you want me to come? (Fran is going into a crescendo of gasps and shrieks) I'll come, Fran. I'll come! I'll come! (Fran screams loudly) Fran! Fran, my god, what's happened?! Fran! Fran: Hello, Hal. Sorry about that. Hal: Fran? Are you alright? Fran: Yes thank you. I'm fine thank you. I just... I just caught my... foot in the fridge. Hal: Oh... Fran: Thanks! Goodbye! % Bernard: (as a burger boy) Right. Welcome to... the thing... whatever this place is. % Mamba Burger Customer: Can I get some chips as well please? Bernard: How many? Mamba Burger Customer: What? Bernard: Roughly how many? Come on. Mamba Burger Customer: Forty? % Bernard: (running into his shop) What happened? What happened? Fran: Oh you were burgled again. Bernard: Huh? But there's nothing left to take. What did they get? Fran: As far as I can make out, they took the security system. Bernard: Thank Christ for that. What's up with him? (points to Manny lying half-asleep on the sofa) Fran: He drank all our absinthe. (starts rubbing Manny's forehead with a flannel) Manny: I'm a lonely soldier. Bernard: (to Fran) What are you doing? Fran: I'm putting a cold flannel on his head... Bernard: Why? Fran: They do that in the films. Bernard: Where were you when I needed you? Fran: Oh, yeah, Bernard... something came... up. I'm so so sorry. Umm what did you do? Bernard: Oh just my usual night out, you know. Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours. Hung out with a pornographer. Got a job in a burger bar. You know, the usual. Manny: Bernard... Bernard: What?! Manny: Bernard, I'm, I'm sorry. Bernard: Forget it. Manny: No... there's another thing... Bernard: What? Manny: I... et all... ya... Bernard: What did you do? Manny: I... ayall... Bernard: What did you do?! Manny: I ate all your bees! (from out-takes on DVD) Bernard: You... fucker. % Bernard: (catching Manny sneaking into the shop late) Yes, you've been caught! What sort of time do you call this? Manny: What are you talking about? It's only midnight. Bernard: Where were you? Quickly. No lies. Manny: I was out with some friends. Bernard: Friends? Out? With? Some? Let me smell your breath. I thought so! Chips! Where are my chips?! Look at your clothes, they're all rumpled. What have you been doing? Is that lipstick on your beard?! Here I am, worrying myself away into a stick, in the dark, and you're scoffing chips in some tart's lap. Where's my tart?! I want chips and tart! Get up them stairs! Manny: Look you don't own me! You're not the king of me! I can go out with friends if I want! Bernard: Now look here! Maybe all those other boys that work in bookshops do what they want. But you're working under my roof! You'll abide by my rules! This isn't Waterstone's! Manny: I wish I'd never been born! % Bernard: Manny, stop singing in the bath! Manny: I'm not in the bath, I'm on the toilet. Bernard: Who sings on the toilet? Stop singing on the toilet then! % Customer: You know, I'm probably getting a lot of secondary smoke from you. Bernard: Don't worry about it. Get me a drink sometime. % Bernard: (to Manny's friend on the phone) Who is this?! What age are you?! Thirty? Is there something wrong with you?! He can't talk now, he has to do his chores! % Bernard: Hey, hey, hey, you know what, last week, right, remember when I thought I had piles? It wasn't! It was just... irritable bowel syndrome. % Bernard: (to Manny) Right. You. Imperial leather. Back to work. % (phone rings) Bernard: Manny. Manny, phone! Man- oh I'll get it, shall I? (picks up) Hello? Manny: (on the other end of the line) Bernard, hello? Bernard: Manny, where are you? The phone's been ringing! Manny: I'm running away. I left you a note. Did you not see it? Bernard: Running away? Note? Did? See? What are you talking about? Manny: Right in front of you. Bernard: Why are you running away? Manny: The note will explain everything. Bernard: This is nearly a page! Can you just give me the gist of it? Manny: Well, I made a photocopy, so yes. "Dear Bernard, by the time you read this, I will be gone. You will never hear my voice again. I in turn will never write or phone or attempt to get in touch with you in any way. The reason for this is that you've been really nasty to me recently, and I think it's time to try and make it by myself. I think I'm old enough to make my own way in the world. And if you think that I'm"... a bee! % Fran: Where's Manny? Bernard: He's not here. Fran: Well where is he? How can I find him? Bernard: Well you could become a terrible event and happen to him. Fran: But I really wanted to tell him this thing. Bernard: Well what's all this "telling Manny everything" business anyway? I'm just as good at being told things! Come on. Tell me. Fran: No, you won't get it. Bernard: No, no, I will, come on. Fran: Ok... apparently... Bernard: Yeah... Fran: David Beckham... Bernard: Ahhhh! The footballer! Fran: Yeah. Bernard: Big, big smile, black guy, chat show... Fran: See? You're not going to get this. Bernard: No no I know that's wrong. I know. Sorry. He cried during the World Cup and now he sells crisps. Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokémon, I mean- Bernard: Pac Man! It's pronounced "Pac Man"! Fran: Forget it. Where is Manny? Bernard: Oh he quit. Fran: He quit? Bernard: Yeah. Quite funny actually. He rang me to say he quit and he was in a phonebox, you know, and uhh there was this bee. And uh, you know, arrr, and then he put his arm through the glass and he was bleeding and everything... and then he got mugged! Ha! Haha! Just like that... with the bee and the bleeding and the mugger... ahhahhaha ohhh ha... so we should help him. % Bernard: (about Fran being nice to Manny) She spoils him! She's always talking to him. Giving him little things to eat. How's he ever going to learn about the real world? % Bernard: Here, "Help fight crime - Dial 999". Is it 999 because it rhymes with crime? % Omid: Come in, come in, come in. Manny: Well I won't stay long. I'll just get that glass of water you mentioned. Omid: Water? Ah, what you need is a nice wine. A nice glass of wine for you, huh? You like wine? Manny: Umm... Omid: Yeah you like wine? You like wine? Wine is very, is eh heh heh heh, wine is very nice, eh? A nice glass of wine for you. Manny: Oh well uhh someone serving me drinks, that's a new experience. Omid: Ahh alright, alright... (Manny sits down then stands up) Omid: No sit down, sit down. Manny: Ah. Omid: So my friend, you like my clothes? (Manny nods) I get you clothes just like them. You want a bath? Or some chicken? We can watch The Simpsons. Is so funny and cool. Manny: Ahh. (Sees a camera on a tripod) Oh so you're a photographer? Omid: Oh yeah, I do a lot of things. I take pictures. I sell icecream. I do a little work for uhh you know CIA? Manny: Yes... Omid: I do a little work for them. Can I feel your beard? Manny: (in sudden comprehension and shock at what this guy just asked) Uhh sorry? Omid: Your beard. Can I feel it? Manny: Ahh umm I uhh, no. I don't... I don't... Omid: Oh please. Oh no no, no funny business. Nothing weird. Manny: Ha. Well uhh... ok. Omid: Yeah? Yeah? Is good. (Omid strokes Manny's beard and gasps) Ohh. Is good beard. Manny: Yeah? Omid: Yeah... oh it's... oh... it's like a little bird. (makes hooting noises like an owl) Tell me, do you use oils? Manny: No! Omid: You should. The colours... oh it's auburn, salt and pepper, it's ginger too, it's got everything. % Fran: Manny was something else, you know. You don't meet someone like him every day. Bernard: I met him every day. I met him all day and all night every day. Today's one of the few days I haven't met him. And even then he still wrote to me and rang me. I'm expecting a fax any minute. % Fran: Oh Bernard, stop. You're just... (sees Manny's yo-yo and starts crying) Bernard: Oh Fran, come on. That's enough, that's enough. Come on. Fran: You drove him away! Bernard: Stop blaming me, will you? (grabs Fran and stares at her) Just let me in, Fran. Let me in. Don't lock me out. Let me in. Fran: What are you talking about? Bernard: I'm being... upset... you know... Fran: You tortured him. You were the one that wouldn't let him eat Frosties. Bernard: Because they made too much noise! If he'd waited for one minute, just to let the milk sink in, but no! Fran: And you kept on and on about his beard! Bernard: I kept finding it everywhere! Fran: And, and, and you said he had a funny smell! Bernard: He did! He did! He had a living beetroot smell! Fran: Well who will I have to talk to now?! Bernard: You've got me! Remember me! I was here way before him! Fran: You don't talk! You, you just sit there and you scowl and you smoke and you make hurtful remarks about people. Bernard: You used to love my hurtful remarks about people! Fran: You'd just sit there and you'd snipe and sneer, and you moan, you'd carp and you'd complain, you'd damn and blast, you burn and bludgeon everything until there's nothing left except ashes and bones! Bernard: You always say that! Fran: You never wanted him here in the first place. Oh now he's gone, now you're happy. Oh that's fine. As long as your happy. As long as you're happy, everything's fine. (puts Manny's yo-yo in Bernard's hand) Bernard: Fran... Fran: Bernard, I don't think I want to see you for a while. (walks out the door then comes back in) Forgot my bag. (Leaves again) Bernard: (tries to make the yo-yo work but fails and throws it on the ground) Without him it's just a yo! % Omid: Manny, I tell you, you stick with me and I'm going to make you a star, you know. The hairiest star in the whole Milky Way! % Omid: Ah Manny, I've got some work to do tonight, so why don't you go out and uhh have a few drinks with Mr Akira over there? Manny: Drinks? I mean, who is he? Omid: Oh he's a very nice man, very... you go out, you have a few drinks, smile, laugh at his jokes, then maybe you go to the casino, do some gambling. Oh, muy importante, uhh to bring him luck, let him touch your beard before he throw the dice. Manny: Why does he want me to go? Omid: Because he see your picture. He see your picture and he go crazy. "Him, him, I want him". He said that. Manny: What, what do you mean he saw my picture? Where did he see my picture? Omid: Oh, in a magazine. I told you this. Manny: What magazine? Omid: This one. (Holds up magazine with Manny in drag dressed as Little Bo Peep on the front, with the title of the magazine "Big And Beardy" written in Japanese). Manny: What's... what's this?! I never posed for this! What's this?! You never told me about this! Omid: I told you when you were out! Manny: No you didn't! Omid: Are you arguing with me? (points at Manny) You think these clothes are cheap?! This food?! This is how you appreciate me? I tell you, I grow you like a flower! And now, you must bloom! % Manny: Look, there is no way I'm going to the casino with this man. Omid: Oh come on, is nothing. Just a bit of gambling, a few drinks, then you have to make sure he gets back to his hotel room safely (sniffs loudly and wipes his nose). Manny: (look of horror) What? I... there is no way I'm going to the casino, alright?! Now look, you have given me everything that money can buy. Yes, I've slept on satin sheets, I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl, I've been driven all over town in minicabs. But there are some things that money can't buy. Like the love I found in a little bookshop off Russell Square. Yes, love. You know, not, well, not love so much more... more... freedom! You know, fre- well not really freedom umm more kind of a largeness of heart. Uhh well not really a largeness of heart or or or or freedom or or love. But I was never contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen, alright? And that is not nothing, that is something. And that is something that no amount of spaghetti bolognese or little drinks with umbrellas in can buy. So there's no way I'm going to the casino. No way. Never. (From the out-takes on the DVD) Omid: For fifty quid? Manny: Alright. % Fran: Oh my god. Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers. % Manny: Right! I have been working now for... 73 straight hours. % Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover. Bernard: It is your fault. If you were a normal person there wouldn't be so much to blot out. % Fran: Bernard, Bernard! Do you promise you'll get out of the way for the lesson? Bernard: Shut up, all of you! I'm dying! (Customers walk in) Jesus, more hobblety-hoids. (Grabs Manny) You can't leave me alone with them! They're all over the place like a nest of pigs! % Manny: What are you doing?! Why did you give that to that girl?! Bernard: You're talking about the woman I love. Don't call her "that girl"! (kicks Manny in the shins) % Josef: (teaching Fran the piano) Again! Come on! "Three Blind Mice"! Fran: God, not again. Josef: What's the matter? Fran: Well we've been doing this for nearly ten minutes. It's not what I imagined. Josef: Neither was my first wife. Now play! Fran: You see? I can't play! Even if I had fifty fingers and a million years to spare I still couldn't play. I want to watch a video. Can we go get chips? % Bernard: I'll make it up to you. Manny: I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of your lies... how will you make it up to me? Bernard: I'll buy you a Jeep. % Bernard: (to Manny) Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail. You'll toil your life away. And I'll die alone, upside-down on the floor of a pub toilet. % Bernard: (trying to ask a girl out) Hello I'm... not that it matters. Umm, Bernard. And umm... Kate: Nice to meet you. Kate. The book's good, thank you. Bernard: Oh. (Awkward silence) Do you eat? I do. Do you want to do it in the same room, sometime? Kate: Umm well... Bernard: You're busy! You're probably seeing one of your four million friends. Never mind. (Walks back to Manny) There, see? Kate: (Walks over) Is tomorrow alright? You did ask me out, didn't you? Bernard: Yes, yes, I did, and look what happened. I'm sorry to bother you. Kate: I'll pass by the shop, anyway. Say, eight o'clock? Bernard: Ei-eight? Kate: Good. See you then. (Walks out) Bernard: What does that mean? "See you then"? Manny: It means me, duvet, TV, Maltesers, behind a locked door. % Bernard: That girl. One named Kate. She asked me out. Couldn't resist my musk. % Fran: (talking about her failure at playing the piano) Oh it's so unfair. I must be musical. I've got hundreds of CDs. He wants me to practice all evening, like a child. He's such a meanie. Manny: I always wanted to learn, but my parents forced me not to. I spent hour after hour playing football, all by myself. Peering in at all the other children in the neighbourhood, practicing their piano. Bernard: (to Manny) Bigfoot! Get on with it. You're not off until tomorrow. Fran: What are you going to do with all your time off, Manny? Manny: Oh I don't know. Long baths. Braid my beard. Unbraid it. Lie around, fondling moonbeams, being a lord of leisure. % Fran: Oh Manny, don't. My head. Josef is coming, he'll squeeze my face again, my brains will come out my nose and I'll die. % Josef: (of Fran's piano talents courtesy of Manny) Today, she's a natural! Yesterday, it was cats screwing! % Bernard: Don't worry, Manny's going to pick it up. Manny: No he won't. He's on holiday, remember? He'll be watching the test match, in bed, eating tiramisu with a long spoon. % Bernard: I'm not very good. Kate: That doesn't matter. Bernard: Usually I have to rub linseed into my triceps before I... % Bernard: Ah, now. There's just uhh something I wanted to umm ask you. Umm do you... have you, have you... have you ever uhh... umm... have you ever read this? (grabs nearest book) Kate: No. Bernard: Well don't. It's just... birds. (Holds up book entitled "The United Kingdom Ornithology Handbook") Birds, birds and more birds. Owls, finches, sparrows. That kind of thing. And it's umm it's very very dull and birdy. So... stay away from that. Ok? Kate: Ok. % Fran: What am I going to say to him? He'll kill me with his cane. % Bernard: (to Fran) You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance! She'll think I've lied! I'll have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff! She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker! % Manny: Spoon me! % Bernard: I know! We'll do our party piece. Fran: Yeah! Yeah, we only use one finger each. It's in triple time. Bernard: It's called "Flight Of The Seven Million Bumblebees". % Fran: (sobbing about her repossessed piano) I can't even get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons! % Manny: I'm delighted. It's all your fault. Sprained my ankle, I can only see out my ear. Everything hurts! % Bernard: I mustn't stare at women. Mustn't stare, mustn't stare. Fran: You haven't stared at me. Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway you look like you just fell out of a tree. Go home and get some rest, will you? Fran: No I can't sleep there. It's like... the walls are closing in on me. Bernard: (looks at a customer) Look at her... I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things. Manny: She's not even sweating. Has she not glands? Jesus, it's 81 degrees. 81! Bernard: Don't block the frock! Manny: But it might get to 88. And it can't. % Female customer: Excuse me, have you got a... (Bernard hands her a book) Oh. Bernard: (To male customer) One for you too (hands him a book) Female customer: How do you know what we want? Male customer: We don't like the same sort of stuff anyway. Bernard: You're going on holiday. You want trash. But you want different kinds of trash. (To female customer) You're a woman, you want social themes, believable characters. (To male customer) You, you want plots, suspense. This'll do you both. Female customer: Hmm... Bernard: (holds up another copy of the book) There's this temp, right? She's 29, she can't get a boyfriend, oh my god. Female customer: Sounds great! Male customer: No, no way. Bernard: And she's got 12 hours to stop nuclear war with China. Male customer: Great. % Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl! % Fran: Ok, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange? Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come round and look after my small children. Fran: If you don't believe me you can come round tonight and we'll watch the wall. Manny: Don't be ridiculous, we'll be staying in, watching the thermometer, won't we Bernard? Won't we? Bernard: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers... I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me. % (Manny is putting post-it notes with "88" written on them all over the place) Bernard: 88. What's the big deal? What happens to you? Manny: You don't want to know. Bernard: I do want to know. Manny: No. You don't. Bernard: Don't do that! Of course I want to know! I want to know even more if you tell me I don't. Manny: Trust me. You don't want to know. Bernard: Well, I'm telling you... you don't want to know why I want to know. Manny: Oh, why's that? Bernard: Ha! See? Manny: I have a condition. Bernard: What? What's it called? Manny: Dave's Syndrome. Bernard: Nonsense! You're making this up. It's like that fudge thing of yours. What is it? You have to have lots of fudge because- Manny: It stops me going deaf! Bernard: Yeah and the other one, what, you... you only travel in vans... Manny: No! The other way! Never let me be put in a van! Never! Bernard: It's rubbish! Attention-seeking rubbish! % Manny: How would you like a nice cool one? Lovely on a hot day like this! Customer: Cool books? Manny: Straight from the fridge! (Opens a fridge and pulls a book out) % Allison: Would you like to come in for a coffee and we can talk about this? Fran: Oh yeah, coffee, yeah, yeah, coffee that I've spilt on the carpet, you've picked up with tweezers, put it in a jar and now you're going to serve it right back to me?!... Ok that was mad. But everything I said before that was true. I want my flat back! Mr Marchman the landlord: Girls, girls, girls. You're both such lovely girls. You'll be sharing sugar in no time. Don't fight. And if you do, fight nice... with pillows... and jim-jams... % Manny: The heating's on! Bernard: I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees. % Bernard: I think you've got a case. You should get a lawyer. Manny: Yeah. It's expensive though. Maybe you could get someone to pretend to be a lawyer. Bernard: Yeah, someone who's just a bit like a lawyer. Arrogant. Cruel. Crooked. A liar. A real bastard. That'll sort them out. (Fran and Manny stare at Bernard) No I'm not doing it! Fran: Oh go on. And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference. I'll lie for you. I'll say you were ok. Bernard: Alright. Deal. % Bernard: Not so fast! I represent Fran Katzenjammer from Flat 2. She's my client, and I'm a hotshot lawyer... like you would have seen on television. Mr Marchman: So what's the problem exactly? Bernard: My client's room is smaller. And as you know, it's illegal to steal space under the European Act of Legislation which happens... in a court. Mr Marchman: The room's the same as it's always been. I can give you measurements if you want. Bernard: Don't evade the question. Mr Marchman: Eh? Bernard: Just answer the question! Mr Marchman: What question? Bernard: Hmm? Oh. Sorry... where were you when the rooms were measured? Mr Marchman: I was- Bernard: Ha ha ha ha haaaa! Oh, if that's the case, where was the room?! Mr Marchman: 2B's always been there. You can see it for yourself! Bernard: Damn right I will, before I send this whole building downtown to the boys in the lab. I'm sequestering these as evidence (picks up some buns) and I'm issuing you with a decree of sub... ju... dy... subjudy, you are under illegal subjudy to stay in that chair until... until such time as Simon says stand up. % Allison: Hello... Bernard: All rise, hello, I'm Bernard Black, from Black, Hengly and... Oohooroohoo Associates. You've been accused of space thievery. I've come to measure your room. Allison: Why? Bernard: Listen, sister, don't kid around! You could be spending the next twenty years in the electric chair! Allison: But I've done nothing wrong! (opens the door completely) Bernard: How could you? Look at you. You're a summer flower. Here, have a judge's bun. % Bernard: Feng shui is nine-tenths of the law. % Bernard: I have to go. Lengthy trial coming up. I have to get wig extensions. % Bernard: Manny, you have no idea how easy it is to get a girlfriend if you're me, which, of course, you're not. Manny: Bernard! It's 84 degrees! It's 84! Bernard: Relax! I got you a present. Here. (Hands Manny a hot water bottle) The latest thing. It actually sucks out all your body heat if you make sure it's full of boiling water. But you do have to wear it all the time. Manny: And you will stay with me, just in case- Bernard: No no no no, I'm a boyfriend now. I've got duties. Lots of sighing and holding hands and not finishing sentences. % Fran: (to Bernard) You bastard! You nine-sided whore! % Mr Marchman: But there's two different kinds. There's bad asbestos, and there's nice asbestos. Anyway, it grows on you. % Mr Marchman: Let me get this straight. You're offering... you are actually offering... Fran: I am actually offering you me, yes, me, yours, to enjoy, like an éclair, or... a day at the zoo. % Manny: Bernard, this Therm-Away jacket you bought me doesn't seem to be working. I feel quite warm. Bernard: Trust me. It's what the astronauts use to keep cool. Manny: Is space hot? Bernard: Hah, of course it is. Where else do you think we get pineapples from? % Manny: Where are you going? Bernard: Out. Courtship calls. I'm going to get Allison chocolate and flowers and chocolate flowers and florettes of chocolate. I'm sending a truckload of woo. % Bernard's poem to Allison: Think of a bee You are its knees You waft through me like a summer's breeze Can I come round Tuesday please? % Bernard: (wearing an accordion) Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it would be less obvious. So if you could just kind of stand there and look wistful, and I... Allison: No thanks, goodbye. Bernard: Where are you going? Allison: Somewhere else. I've had enough of this. The flat's small, then it's huge, then it's a closet full of flowers and truffles. I am not interested in you! Ok? Bernard: But... but... (holds up a bunch of flowers) Allison: Get lost! Bernard: No no. You're my summer girlfriend. You don't get angry. You throw your head back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Auntie Nibs used to do. Allison: What? % Fran: It's just the heat playing tricks with your mind. Bernard: It's not the heat! There's nothing wrong with my mind! Fran: You're wearing an accordion... (Bernard realises this, throws the accordion on the ground and kicks it repeatedly) % Bernard: Listen, this whole thing... we're old friends. Don't you think it's about time now, you know, that we actually admitted that we're hugely attracted to one another? You know. Just for the summer? Fran: No I don't. I think we should wait a bit. Bernard: 'Til when? Yeah? (Slicks his hair back) Fran: Until at least one of us is dead? % Manny: (helping Fran find a job) Sales manager in a huge department store? Fran: Too busy. Manny: Beautician on a cruise liner? Fran: Too boaty. Bernard: You can find work and sort your life out at any time. The pub closes in five hours. Manny: You could try and help. It's not easy finding a job. Bernard: Have Manny's. He knows he's useless. He won't mind. You work here and he can go back to whatever seaman's shelter he was born in. Fran: Enough. The pub. Come on, Manny. Manny: No, I won't bother. I'm useless, apparently. I'll just stay here. Bernard: Oh don't take it like that! I only meant it in the sense that you never do anything of any use. % Manny: (answering phone) Oh hello, Gus! Long time no speaky! Oh... when did you get out? % Manny: The job's as good as yours. This bloke, Nugent, owes a favour to an old mate of mine, Gus. That's the address. Bernard: (reading poster in shop) Who's Danny Spudge? Manny: You'll meet him at lunch. Fran: Did Nugent tell you anything about the work? Manny: No I only spoke to Gus after he'd been speaking to Danny, not Nugent, so I don't know. Bernard: Who's Gus?! What lunch?! Fran: Ohh I'm going to be late. Bernard: Wait! (threatens Fran with the jam on his toast) Now, who's Nugent?! Manny: She won't know until you let her go to the job! Bernard: What job?! How do you know Danny Spudge?! Manny: I don't know him. Gus does. Bernard: Who's Gus?! Manny: A friend of Nugent's. Customer: Hello? Bernard: Who are you?! Customer: I'm, I'm Ralph. Bernard: Ralph who?! Customer: What? Bernard: Don't play games! (grabs customer around the neck and threatens him with the jam on the toast) Why did they send you?! Customer: Look, I just want a book on tape! Bernard: What book?! Customer: Anything by James Elroy! Bernard: How's Elroy involved?! (Throws customer on the floor, straddles him and threateningly holds the toast next to the customer's face) Tell me or I'll jam you! Who's Gus?! Manny: Bernard! Gus is just a friend of mine. Bernard: Keep talking! Manny: Look, I used to do some work for Gus - a bit of a crook, but well-connected. His nephew Danny has written a book. Gus suggested we let him do a reading. I asked him if he had any jobs going for Fran, and he put her onto Nugent. Very simple, no mystery. Fran: Ok? Bernard: (Drops toast, grabs customer's hair and yanks his head up) What about this bastard?! Manny: He's a customer. I'm sorry, we don't do books on tape. Could you try down the road? (Bernard drops the customer's head which falls on the jam on the toast) % Danny: So I left him sat there, staring at his thumbs in the ashtray. It's quite a funny story. % Danny: I don't want to give the punters the wrong impression. Bernard: Which would be... Danny: Some people think I'm a thug. That's very upsetting. That's why I did the book. Set a few things straight. Manny: So they could see... the real, adorable you. Danny: EXACTLY! Anyway, lads, about the book-reading. I've got a slight problem. Bernard: We can cancel it! That's fine! No problem! Danny: Cancel? Nah. No no no. No big thing. I just got to brush up a bit, on my reading skills. Bernard: Well you wrote a book... Danny: Nah, ghost writer, isn't it? Bloke who did the Spice Girls book. Manny: Wow... Danny: So you can give me lessons, yeah? Bernard: Ah no no, we- Danny: You can read, can't you? Bernard: Well obviously, everybody can read, but we- Manny: (to Bernard) No nooo no! Bernard: But we- Manny: Noo. Bernard: Everybody... with people who... (Danny looks violent) Manny: I think uhh, we'll be able to help % Danny: Incidentally, don't tell anyone about this. Otherwise I'll kill you both. (Manny spits his food out) And your mums. (Bernard laughs nervously) % Bernard: Because that's how you learn anything, isn't it? It's just like driving... Manny: Yeah! Exactly! I'm not worried. Bernard: Astrophysics... Manny: Exactly! Bernard: Lion-taming... Manny: Exactly! % Bernard: (reading Danny's book) "I kept his ear in my pocket for months. I used to chew it at parties." % Bernard: Reading is just one of those things... it can't be taught! Manny: Oh no you remember your early books. "Peter likes Jane. Jane likes Peter. Peter has a ball." Bernard: "Jane has no thumbs." % Manny: Have a seat. Danny: You telling me what to do?! Manny: No! No no no not at all! Uhh have you eaten? Bernard: Would you like a jumper? Manny: You're not bored are you? % Bernard: Ok if you want to just read a page, we'll just find your level. Danny: Hang on, shouldn't I learn the uhh... whatchamacallit first. The... the... the... Bernard: The... yes? Danny: The... umm... the letters. Alphabet! I've got to know that before I can make words. % Manny: We're not quitters! Bernard: I am a quitter! I come from a long line of quitters! It's amazing I'm here at all! Manny: He's just an urchin. A foundling. We can teach him! Bernard: We can't teach him! Look at that face (holds up a copy of Danny's book with Danny's face on the cover). I bet his cornflakes tried to crawl out of the bowl! % Danny: (trying to pronounce the letter A) Argghhh! I've got a cluster headache! I'm getting upset! I can't breathe! I've got to go! (walking out the door) How long does it take for these lessons to take effect? I am doing well, aren't I? Bernard: Excellent! Excellent! Manny: Natural! Danny: (does an ominous but girlish laugh) Oh good. Good. Because if I can't read by Friday, you'll both be brown bread. Buttered. With Harry. On the boat. % Fran: All I know about my job is that there are biscuits in the stationery cupboard! % Manny: It's nothing. Bernard: It's not nothing?! He eats poppadums without breaking them! % Bernard: (putting down the phone) That was Danny, who's very excited about being able to read by tomorrow. % Bernard: What is this? You think you're a gangster now? Manny: I'm known in all the burroughs. % Bernard: What did he say? The midget? Manny: He wasn't called a mid- Bernard: He's a MIDGET. A tiny midget. Manny: What if he ever heard? Bernard: He won't! His ears are too small! % Manny: It's just unfortunate that you got fired, immediately after... I spoke... to him... but... everything's going to be alright... and it'll be ok because it's all very, very good... Bernard: Dreadful people. The Gucci dwarf. And that drongo Danny. (Danny walks in the door behind Bernard but Bernard doesn't see him) As if you could ever teach a thug like that. Manny: Bernard, shut up! Bernard: Gus, I admit, was genuine underworld because he had to get on a stepladder to pee, but that huge gunk... Fran: Bernard, Bernard... Bernard: I wish I could see him again actually, you know, because I'd have him, like that (clicks his fingers) (Danny grabs Bernard's shoulders from behind) Danny: I'm feeling a bit woozy. I always get dizzy before the screams. Before the air is full of gizzards and tendons. The hair. The blood. It'll pass in a mo'. (spins Bernard around to face him, Bernard looking pitifully horrified and mouthing "No") And then, I'm going to rip- Fran: So you're the one who can't read? Hmm? (Bernard scurries away) Sit down. Danny: Wha- Fran: I said SIT DOWN. (Danny sits down, Fran spins him around to face the desk while Bernard and Manny cower behind some curtains) You can take that silly look off your big head. (Puts a pen in Danny's hand, and moves his hand so she makes him draw an A on the piece of paper) Now... we've drawn an A. Haven't we? What is it? Danny: It's an... A. (Puts his hand up) I want to go to the toilet. Fran: (hits him on the head) Shut up. Not until you can read this. (Picks up a children's book) "Nibbly Pig got on a bus". Manny: (to Bernard) She's playing with fire! He's not ready for Nibbly Pig! % Danny: (reading from Pride & Prejudice) "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." % Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down. Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds. Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering? For a book, a mere... 912 pages long? What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds. I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it. Customer: £2.50. Bernard: That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. (Grabs book) £2.50 gets you (rips a bunch of pages out of the book and hands the rest of the book back to the customer) this much. The rest when you come back with the other 50p. Customer: But... Bernard: Thank you! (later on) Customer: I have to have the rest of that book! Here's that 50p. Bernard: (holding the rest of the book) Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I was thinking £15. Customer: What? Bernard: No, you're right. 25. % Bernard: (telling Manny the shop doesn't need repainting) The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is. If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is. Manny: It needs doing. Bernard: It's charming. It has character. Manny: Character is an ambience. A feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak. % Fran: I keep buying things to cheer myself up. I go to get a paper and I come back with all this. Bernard: Chocolate. Magazines. Fran: (throws a set of keys onto the desk) And a Vauxhall Astra. % Manny: (to Bernard) Hello, sir! I am the information point! Can I help you? Bernard: I hope so. I was looking for a pair of hobnailed boots. I want to jump up and down on somebody who's trying to ruin my life. % Bernard: No one needs sofas that eat you! % Fran: Hey, hey, hey, right, if you trace it back, and I might be wrong about this, but I come from a very good line. Apparently, I am Queen Victoria's... uncle. % Manny: I've been to the shops. That deserves a star. Bernard: No! Stars are for achievement. My fortieth cigarette this afternoon. That deserves a star. % Fran: Stop me if this gets boring, but first you just check the parish records, then- Bernard: Stop. % Frederick: Tell us all about yourself, Fran. Fran: Well, I was born in- Frederick: Do you have a car? % Manny: Bernard, what you just did directly contravenes our Customer Code Promise Pledge. Bernard: What? Manny: If we're going to compete with the big shots we have to offer a service equal to theirs. That's why we came up with the CCPP! Bernard: Oh we did, did we? Manny: You were actually helping a customer when it was drawn up. The fellow with the red hair. Do you remember? Kept calling you "Bern", because of your badge. Heh, it's quite funny actually. Bern. Bernard: (reading CCPP) "One. The customer is not only always right, he or she is also fun to be around. Be sure to remark on their wise choice and laugh at their jokes. If you happen to be wearing a top of lower cut than usual, well no harm done." Manny: (Wearing a low-cut singlet revealing copious amounts of chest hair) Can't say it's not working. Bernard: "Two. If the sides of your head head don't hurt, you're not smiling enough." % Bernard: We can't let them find reasons to leave. We can feed them! Lunch and dinner! We'll build a pool! And a gym! And an Egyptian-style casino! No, that's a bit much. % Bernard: From now on, the only stars we'll be looking at will be Dunlop stars! Manny: Michelin stars. Bernard: Them as well! % Bernard: Have you got the lobsters? (Manny holds up the bag of lobsters and Bernard whacks them with a rolling pin) Put them in the pot! Manny: What's it going to be? Bernard: Our signature dish! Luxury pie! The food of kings. (Throws handfuls of ingredients into the pot with the lobsters) Truffles. Saffron. Caviar. And champagne. Manny: Drizzle it! Drizzle it! (holds a colander over the pot) % Bernard: Shut up! I am trying to make crème brulée! (starts grinding a cucumber) % Manny: Do you have to drink quite so much wine? Bernard: Yes I do! How else are we going to get candles in empty wine bottles?! % Bernard: (to Manny) And why are you talking in English?! I only want to hear French in my kitchen! And... il n'y a pas de anything else! % Frederick: People with Astras can drink with their right hand and sing whatever they like. That's how it's been for centuries. % Bernard: (hacks at red jelly with a cleaver and pours cream all over it) Blancmange is always so fiddly! % Bernard: What's this?! Gourmet food is always presented in little towers! What's that?! Manny: Soup! Bernard: Well get it in a tower! Come on! % Fran: There are no plates. Bernard: Well... use... recipe books with pictures of plates on the front! Do I have to explain everything?! (spoons mash onto a book cover) % Bernard: Manny! Do you have a tower of soup for me?! (Manny triumphantly presents the tower of soup) What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish! (hurls the plate against the wall) Start again! % Bernard: Where are my ingredients?! Manny: We've cooked them all! Bernard: I don't care! We can make a feast from anything. This paint! This paint will make a tasty dish! % Bernard: My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook... bits of oven! % Bernard: What does Eva know about stress? Fran: She's got three kids. Bernard: Oh we've all got three kids. Manny: At least she's doing something different. Bernard: (to Manny) Oi, Thor. Get on with it. % Manny: Bills! Lots of bills! Our solicitor is sending her solicitor a solicitor's letter and his solicitor is billing us for the cost! Bernard: Are you making coffee or not? Manny: We have to get some more stock! There's nothing decent! Bernard: Oh, stop! Mother of god. Go and get your hair done! % Customer: Excuse me? Bernard: What? What?! Customer: Do you have anything by Adam Phillips? Bernard: How would I know? Go to a proper bookshop. Customer: Look... there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted. Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins, instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But, it was not to be. So... hop it. % Bernard: Why do you always have to make the bacon so curly? Manny: Right! That's it! I quit! Bernard: You quit every day. I'm going out for some peace, so I suggest when you reapply for the job in about half an hour, you do the interview yourself. Why don't you wear your pin-stripe suit? The one that gives you a big arse. You'll like the look of yourself in that. % Eva: You change when you drink. You're so loud. You just sit there with a fag in your mouth, cackling like something out of a brothel. Fran: I don't... how horrible! Eva: And when you're drunk, the way you eat, and swear, suddenly crying and then singing and kissing terrible men. Fran: I know, I know, I'm awful. Eva: Sometimes I think you're just going to end up with a head full of gold teeth, roaring and snorting over a vegetable stall some place. Fran: I'm not... that... % Bernard: I'm talking about Manny. You know? Manny? The fruit store whom I happen to live with? % Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away. Bernard: Do they. Do they. That must be why they're such a dominant global power. % Fran: (talking about yoga) It's amazing. It's like having sunshine in your veins. Bernard: Here we go. Mary Poppins. Fran: It is a shame, the way people pollute themselves. I mean, look around you. Just look. What do you see? Bernard: I see intelligent, attractive, charming people who smoke and drink all the time and never get sick or die. Or bore the bollocks off their friends. % Bernard: This is pointless. I'll see you at dinner. Which, by the way, he is making a big deal out of, of course. Fran: You are being irrational. The only thing that is going to bring you inner peace is- Bernard: Stop talking goo. The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile. % Bernard: (asking about Manny's cooking) So what kind of filth is spewing out of your hatch tonight? Manny: We'll be having mini medleys of chicken with summer berries. Bernard: You know I hate student food. % Bernard: Well I want a drink now! (throws his empty wine glass at the wall) Manny: There's your two litres of your Spanish antifreeze. Let me know when you want your food chewed. Bernard: I'll wait until you put your teeth in, dear. % Bernard: What were those funny coloured things? Manny: Vegetables. Bernard: You know I'm allergic to vegetables! You are trying to kill me. % Bernard: Oh listen to you! You're becoming one of them! You're going over to the other side, to the land of sandals, spoon-benders and yoghurt-fanciers. % Fran: Everyone should meditate. Bernard: Oh let's. Then we can all make some tofu for the dolphins that live in the fridge. Manny: Fran is trying to improve her life. You could offer some support. Bernard: It's shite. % Manny: He treats me like a child! I can't cope with him. He eats all the sweets in the house! He says they'll make my hair fall out! I found a baby monitor under my bed! % Bernard: (to Manny) According to Freud, it's dangerous even to be in the same room as you. We'll have to replace all our cutlery with plastic. And then I want to get you electronically tagged. Manny: Bernard, pass the butter please. Bernard: (not looking) This? (passes a jar) Manny: No, that. Bernard: What did you say? Manny: I said "No, that". Bernard: You said "No, Dad"! So there you go again! Projecting! Manny: I wish I'd never bought those stupid books. I'm not projecting! Bernard: I've never seen such projecting! It's in Cinemascope with Dolby surround. You're deranged! You need help. Manny: I'm normal. Bernard: Normal? (Points to Manny's toast soldiers) What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg then divides them into rank? Manny: Just a bit of fun. Bernard: Yeah? So you won't mind if I eat this one? (makes to grab a soldier) Manny: Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men. Bernard: Call a shrink. You're nuts. So is your whole platoon. % Fran: Hey, do you fancy some toast? Eva: Wheat is poison. % (Manny is making a roast chicken do a striptease on a wooden spoon) Bernard: What are you doing? Manny: Stripping the chicken. Bernard: What for? Manny: Well I could make chicken soup, chicken salad, chicken sandwiches... Bernard: You could make a chicken cravat but it's just hassle. We'll get a take-away. Manny: There's loads of things I can do with this. Bernard: It's a chicken! Chicken is finite! You've got to move on. How are you going to cope when somebody dies? Manny: Well I'll just use the legs. It's thrifty. Bernard: It's disgusting, is what it is! This is how Jeffrey Dahmer and that lot get started. They can't let go. Old boxes of fried chicken lying around. And, and then a friend says "I have to leave town" and vrooom! Out with the Black & Decker. There's bits of them lying around like nibbles. You've got to see a shrink. Manny: (holds up the chicken wings) Have a wing! It's crunchy. Bernard: Can't you see you're not right? % Fran: (talking to Bernard about about him and Manny) You know, if the two of you could do something relaxing together, this place wouldn't be so tense. Bernard: What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again, will you? Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze. Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... Fran: Yep... Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... Fran: Yep... Bernard: ... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven." % Manny: (to the psychiatrist) Well obviously, there's the cooking, the cleaning, and the uhh... doing the accounts and making the cheese, scraping the beds... % Bernard: Where have you been? Manny: Are you talking to me? Bernard: You look different... did they put you on steroids?! Manny: What are you talking about, you silly little man? Bernard: Now look here... Manny: Shouldn't you be serving a customer or something? And isn't it about time you had a really good scrub? Bernard: It's not my fault I look like this. You haven't washed my things. Manny: Ahh. We can't blame others for our appearance, can we? Bernard: Uhh no... no... no... but... Manny: I suggest you wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes. I'm going for a nap. I don't want to be disturbed. Bernard: How dare you speak to me like that! My own son! Manny: What did you say?! Bernard: Nothing... nothing... % Bernard: (to the psychiatrist, about Manny) It's not as if he's never rewarded. Well, not in any material way. Or any other way. % Fran: Eva started going on about how I have to give up milk... and peas... and god knows what. I mean, what's wrong with fucking peas? So I told her she could stuff it up her chakras. % Fran: Come on, open the bloody wine. Bernard: Go on, Manny. Get a move on. Manny: Please. Bernard: What? Manny: It wouldn't kill a person to say "please". Bernard: Oh you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have you spayed. % Fran: (completely drunk) I'll mind the shop for you! I can be both of you. (Pretending to be Manny) "Bernard. Bernard. It's not fair. Bernard, here's your tea. Oh Bernard, Bernard, can I have my pocket money?" (Pretending to be Bernard) "Oh Manny, for the last time, shut up! Mother of god! I think I'm going to kill you!" % Bernard: Get on your knees! (throws a customer on the floor) Put your hands on the floor! From where you are now to that far corner is our music section. Manny: It's a bit mixed up with aviation, botany and pregnancy guides but you never know. Bernard: Search! (kicks customer) % Bernard: The thing is, you know, the thing is it's not actually illegal to kill a builder. % Manny: Hey, hey, hey! It's Sunday, right? Bernard: Yes. Manny: And we want to get away from the house? Fran: Yes. Manny: Why don't we... go to the park! Bernard: Do you think that suggestion really deserved the preface "hey, hey, hey"? Manny: What about the cinema? Fran: Let's see... ok, how about this? (Reads from newspaper) "Bouffant. Sandra Bullock plays a woman who sets up a tiny hairdresser's in the trenches of the First World War". Bernard: No. Manny: Something else. (Takes newspaper) Here we go, here we go. "Regression. Richard Gere. A bloke has to kill himself to go back into the past to rescue himself as a child, so he can grow up to kill himself and go back into the past to rescue himself as a child so he can grow up"- Bernard: No. (Takes newspaper) Fran: Must be something else. Bernard: What's this? "Blue Tunes. Matt Damon. Ben Affleck. Minnie Driver." Fran: Oh I hate her. Bernard: "Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second-hand record shop with his halfwit moustaschioed assistant, Danny." (Manny scoffs) "When this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam, things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap?! I mean, a child... Manny: Heh, they must think we're idiots. Fran: Look at them. Wankers. Bernard: They all think they're great. % Manny: The usual, thanks. Fran: What is your usual? Manny: I don't know, I haven't decided yet. % Manny: We have to do something! Fran: Why don't we go out somewhere for Sunday lunch? Bernard: Alright. Manny: Where? Where? Fran: There's this new place. It's very in. "The Mortuary". They don't do any vegetables, everything's dead animals served on little headstones. Bernard: Why does it have to be fancy?! I just want sausage, mash and a bit of cake. Not twigs fried in honey or a donkey in a coffin. Let's go to that place that does chicken and things. Fran: Ok. Oh, what should we wear? Bernard: Excuse me? Manny: Yeah, what sort of place is it? Bernard: It's a restaurant. Fran: Well should we dress up or down? Bernard: You can dress upside down and inside out, you're still going to eat your spaghetti like a pig. % Fran: Bernard, they're building next door for two weeks! There's a sign, it's outside. We can't stay here! Bernard: Relax! I'll sort them out later. Manny: What are you going to do? Fran: What can you do? Bernard: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll write a letter to the council. Fran: Well what are you going to say? Bernard: I'll say "Dear Council, please don't build beside us for the next two weeks". Manny: Yeah but what if that doesn't work? Fran: Yeah, yeah, what are you going to do if that doesn't work? Bernard: You want to know what I'll do? Manny: Yeah. Bernard: I will... drink heavily and shout at you! % Bernard: (looking at Manny's Mauritius holiday photos) What? They're like any holiday photographs. A bunch of people stood around squinting, and didn't realise they were that fat. Manny: Look, that's us outside the restaurant, and that's us outside the hotel. Bernard: Ooh, what a transformation! % Bernard: (about Manny's photos) Why are you showing me these? I don't know these people. The only possible use this photograph would be to me would be if I was a hitman and somebody had asked me to take out Eddie, the gallery owner from Trent. Manny: Kent. % Fran: What do you do in there anyway, you know, in a jungle? Manny: Well, you see how many miles you can walk in a day. Fran: Yeah but the heat... you must get so dehydrated. Manny: Yeah well in a tight spot, you can always drink your own urine. Fran: Yeah but what about the insects? And, and, and how do you wash? Manny: Well, that's not such a big priority when you're quaffing pints of your own whizz. (Drinks a glass of white wine) % Bernard: Forget lunch. And I'm not going to Thailand. Manny: You said you weren't going anywhere. Bernard: Doodah here neglected to tell me that they're building around the clock. So forget your beaches and jungles. We're going somewhere where I can read, sit and have a quiet drink. Manny: So your ideal holiday would, in fact, be here. Bernard: Correct. So find somewhere exactly like this. % (Manny and Bernard are going through Fran's suitcase full of shoes while Fran is strapped to a chair) Manny: You don't really need these, do you? Fran: Of course I do! They're my slow-dancing mules! Bernard: What about these? You don't need these. Fran: I do! Supposing we're invited to a yacht party by drug dealers... % Manny: (looking at Fran's bizarre shoes) These are weird! Fran: They are beautiful! They make strong men cry in trains stations! % Manny: Now, Bernard, have you got your passport? Bernard: For god's sake, of course I do! Actually, I don't. Go and get it, will you? Manny: Where is it? Bernard: Where does anybody keep their passport? It's in the... building. % Fran: Do we have everything? Manny: Yep. Let's just check the list to be double-super-safety-sure. Fran: Ok, I'll stop you if we've missed something out. Manny: Right, ok... 1950s-style windbreaker with two-tone lining and self-stripe cuffs. (Ticks it off) Staypress peach slacks... Fran: Manny, let's just say "clothes". % Fran: What time is the flight? Manny: The... hmm? Fran: You didn't book the flights... Manny: I'm so sorry. I got distracted by the... and... uhh... my... my pants aren't that easy to fold. % Fran: I'd better kip here so we'll all be together. Can I have your bed? Bernard: Yeah. Fran: Got any bin-liners? Bernard: In the kitchen. Fran: And Dettol? Manny: Under the sink. Fran: Ajax? Manny: Yep. Here. Fran: Thanks. Manny: Are you really... actually... going to get in the bed? Fran: Yeah... Manny: Right. Umm, better take these (hands Fran some bananas) Fran: No, I'm not hungry, thanks. Manny: No it's not for you. Just... chuck them under the bed. Fran: Wha... what... what's under the bed? Manny: Dunno. We just call it "The Thing". % (At Heathrow airport) Fran: Now listen, there's a slight catch. These flights were very cheap... Bernard: Four quid each. Quite reasonable, yes. Fran: So that uhh means we have to make a couple of change-overs. Bernard: How does that work? Fran: Well... to get to the Canaries, we have to change... in New Zealand. Bernard: What?! That's practically in France. Fran: I know... Bernard: Why don't we just go on holiday there? We could have sake at the rodeo then go home on one of those sleds with the camels. Fran: We're just refuelling. And then we change again. At Stansted. Manny: I've always wanted to go there! Bernard: Nice, is it? Manny: They've got these little trains... that have no driver. Bernard: Oh! Lovely! Fran: We'll just be there a little while. A few days... in and around the airport. In, mostly. Manny: That's where the trains are! % (Two weeks later, walking through an airport. All three of them look completely exhausted and dishevelled, and Bernard is wearing a lovely red skirt and a Hawaiian shirt) Fran: This has to be the last connection. We must be nearly home. Is this Prague? Bernard: I don't care where it is, I'm not getting on another plane. Manny: I think this is Miami. Bernard: Fine! I'm going to live here and sell guns to children. % Fran: You can't say the flights weren't cheap. Bernard: And you can't say we didn't spend thirteen days on a plane. % Fran: (to Bernard) Oh don't look at me like that. It wasn't all bad. How many people can say they've been on a hospital riverboat? Manny: Yes. And you can be sure they didn't get to perform surgery on themselves. Fran: Just as well they thought Manny was a god. Manny: Yes, it will be sometime before I want to sacrifice another monkey. Bernard: (grabbing Manny violently) We said we wouldn't talk about Canada! Let's go home. Manny: Have you got your keys? Bernard: No. I left them in the bag which you kindly unburdened yourself by losing. Manny: Ahh. Bernard: What do you mean, "Ahh"? Manny: Well it's just that uhh... I think that... my keys were in there as well. Bernard: (to Manny) Were they? Funny, isn't it? Travel. It's just one thing after another. You're fired. Fran: Oh now look... Bernard: (to Fran) And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again. % Bernard: (to Manny) It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence! Here's your redundancy package. Here. I'm sorry most of it's in Fanobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now good luck and goodbye! % Fran: Do you want to come outside? Bernard: I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! %